Em(ily)brace

One year...

2009-11-09T23:27:00.002-07:00

It's 11:30 on November 9, 2009 and one year ago...I remember walking into Emily's room and giving her the key to the green turd as she called my subaru...I looked at her and gently touched her face and said, dad and I are leaving for Denver...where do you want me to put this key and she said..on the table...I said I love you and she said I love you too. I remember vividly her position...she always slept on her back. Her perfect little nose. Her mouth. Her beautiful hair. Her eyes were closed...and I shut the door...

And I can't help but say right now...if only we didn't go to Denver...

I'm not sure why right now seems so hard. It truly isn't any different than ever day this past year...but it's hard. Maybe because we could always look back and say rem(em)ber last year at this time...and now there is just sadness left for this time last year. I really can't explain it.

This year I've learned about sadness. The kind that really feels like your heart is broken...like it's cracking while you cry. This year I've learned about empathy. I've learned to listen. This year I've learned about community. That saying "it takes a village..." I couldn't have gotten to today without mine. I learned that tomorrow is another day. And you will wake up. And you will move through it.

You have to find a way to laugh a little bit each day despite everything, or your heart will simply run out of the joy that makes it go. ~Daoud Hari

Fall 2009

2009-09-27T08:05:00.002-06:00

Fall used to be my favorite season...a crispness in the air...the sun moves down in the sky giving us depth in the mountains and viewing of our space. The sunsets collecting the change and bountiful in color...The earth just seems alive and busy preparing for it's hibernation. This fall brings great sadness for me...I have had a year of firsts...and not as exciting as the first step or the first word or the first kiss. Just the first year without Emily...

DJ, Hanna and I went on vacation to Trinidad, CA in August and it was the first time I had some down time since returning to work in January. I spent so much time, energy and focus on succeeding at work...working with others to put together a scholarship and tournament...that I realized THEN that I hadn't moved into acceptance yet. Don't get me wrong...I don't think I would have gotten through those months with out the focus and help and support from everyone...and I know that is all that I could have handled at that time...I would continuously think, she will be back any time now...this is just a big bad joke...there is no way that someone like Emily could possibly have died...well 10 1/2 months later, I have accepted it. I miss her so much. I sometimes have vivid memories of something we did. I have started remembering her as a baby and young girl and her silliness. I sometimes am stopped in my house by remembering a moment and an expression and hearing Emily's voice in a certain situation. And as hard as the last couple months have been...I'm glad that slowly this is coming back to me.

Life continues on...and every once in a while someone shares a memory or story and I feel the warmth of Emily's spirit in them. I feel grateful that the human person allows time to soften their pain and that Em's friends have been able to heal and find the good and happiness in their lives once again.

I don't look for the why's or try to figure it out anymore...at least I haven't for a while...there are no answers and they drive me crazy...

I do still wonder about the after life...and is there a heaven and will I have Emily with me again? It's weird...I've always thought of myself as a spiritual person... I'm not sure I can explain this part, but I have had people pass on/cross over/die in my life, and I would sit and think and say I love you and I will miss you...and that was as far as it went...now I want for it to be...I want there to be place in the clouds, in a new dimension, in the blue sky, a place where we all get to be together again. Maybe Heaven...I'm hoping....

DJ and I have talked about how our perspective has changed so much. Don't sweat the small stuff...in the end, the things that matter are your family, friends, that you are constantly learning and growing, kindness, openness and acceptance...life truly is a journey and you just never know...

We continue to heal and with every season a new space...Hanna summed it up for me the other day... "When I think of Emily and our memories I smile. When I think of how much I miss her, I cry."

Friday, July 10, 2009

2009-07-10T08:09:00.002-06:00

I believe...summer is here. It's hot. I have enjoyed our rainy, cool beginning. Our gardens have really flourished. Trees are green. Native Grasses are tall...I love watching them sway with the wind. Lots of beautiful rainbows...with vivid colors. I was reading about rainbows. So many different ideas of why they show themselves to us. Of course there is the scientific reason: The light is first refracted as it enters the surface of the raindrop, reflected off the back of the drop, and again refracted as it leaves the drop. The overall effect is that the incoming light is reflected back over a wide range of angles, with the most intense light at an angle of 40°–42°. And then there is of course Religion and Mythology: In Greek mythology, the rainbow was considered to be a path made by a messenger (Iris) between Earth and Heaven. In Chinese mythology, the rainbow was a slit in the sky sealed by Goddess Nüwa using stones of five different colours. Another Indian mythology says rainbow is the bow of Kama, the God of love. In New Age and Hindu philosophy, the seven colours of the rainbow represent the seven chakras, from the first chakra (red) to the seventh chakra (violet). Whatever you choose to believe...the sky and earth sure have showed some changes, some color and maybe a little warmth can settle in?

I told Dan, summer will not come until that bench is up there...she doesn't want to miss a thing! Dan had been working on a bench honoring Emily. A place of peace...overlooking her "special place" where she would go with friends or alone to swim, tan, talk, cry, think...so overlooking the swimming hole is a bench for us now to sit, think, tan, read, talk, cry, and listen.... in the midst of winter I found within me an eternal summer...

Sunday morning....

2009-06-14T08:18:00.002-06:00

What I wanted most for my daughter was that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.
- Helen Claes

It's a blue sunny morning...I'm sitting in my outdoor rocker (sounds old already) overlooking my part of the world...The depth in the mountains to the south...the bookcliffs to the west, Silt to the east and the hogback to my north...there is a cool chill in the air...but my coffee is hot.

As I reflect...

Hanna and my relationship has grown and connected in a new way that I can't even explain. We trust each other and find comfort in and with each other. We have moments of giggles, moments of memories, moments of silence...

The Emily Johnson 3v3 Tournament was a success! To me the absolute most important part is the togetherness...We united people and crossed lines of comfort and found the passion of soccer exciting and fun...(sounds so emily)...and together as a community...we paid it forward..we made money to fund two scholarships and to donate to charities globally...this year will be Darfur...Emily was passionate about the civil conflict in Sudan and was to make this her senior project. As I think about the very special group of people that worked on this project...I can't help but think again "how Emily" I feel like I strengthened bonds of friendship that were part of a bigger picture...I knew everyone, some on a personal level already, but some because of Emily...and over time, we worked together, talked with each other, made decisions together, begun the healing together. I learned about our strengths and connected with people at a whole new level...you guys helped me get through the last 6 moons and I am forever grateful for your presence in my life...xo I am graced with a wonderful, loving family. You guys just come and figure out what needs to be done and do it...and you played soccer...hehehe...I love you guys.

So here is some randomness in my thoughts...I can't help but think about how so many of our friends are going off to college soon...and how parents are reflective, scared, sad, happy too...we did our jobs well when our children leave and make a life for themselves...the circle continues...

So now, it's summer in the Rockies and I'm hoping for time to remember. I still feel like I'm in survival mode...and the sadness is so close...I miss Emily. I'm beginning to have some of "my own" memories, in bits and pieces...

I know that time is our greatest healer...but for me (as an old friend concurred) time doesn't make it better...it makes it different...

And I do know that Emily soared confidently in this world...

Time...

2009-05-13T12:51:00.002-06:00

I wrote to a friend today and this is what I said...I find it hard to believe that it's been 6 months since I've had a hug or a smile...a night laying on her bed talking and laughing or crying or both...a moment of "my ears are bleeding"...a night of a house FULL of girls...a game of Apples to Apples played Emily style...someone in my face challenging what I say with a real need to know why....Life does move forward but it certainly doesn't feel near as nice or fun...

We made it thru soccer season...yes it was emotional... Every game I would prepare myself to go watch...because there was no way that I wasn't. Some days before the game, I would go and sit on the field and talk to Em...I was sure she was there preparing for the game. As I watched the game, I actually found happiness for moments and competition throughout my being. I enjoyed watching the girls pass the ball foot to foot. I enjoyed watching them trust each other forward and backwards on the field. I enjoyed listening to them communicate with each other. They played like a team and it was amazing. And at times I swear I could hear her voice. This team honored Emily in a way that I know she is so proud of. They gave everything they had. They played like she was there playing with them. From their hearts... I'm not sure I've ever seen a group of young people with so much character. And B, was a true guide...leading them in such a positive direction. I remember the day before the 1st playoff game against Bayfield...I had this vision of Emily (I know this sounds weird) gathering the angels...and insisting in an Emily way, that they needed to make t-shirts and posters for the game...and when I was there at the field...the vision continued of these angels amongst us with their posters and tshirts and happiness...it was fun!! Oh and we made it to Sweet 16...

As a family, I feel like the 3 of us are moving forward together in a healthy, strong way. We've got a garden started. We built a chicken coop and have some baby chicks out there. Hanna and DJ are playing nightly cribbage matches. Hanna and I are talking and connecting. We talk about Emily and share memories... We laugh and cry...

2009-04-09T22:29:00.002-06:00

I find writing hard...will I say the right things...do I think the right things? ha...so anyways, I have a candle lit and I sit in the dark thinking about the last five months and this is what comes to my mind...

DJ said yesterday what I've been trying to figure out how to say. "It's been so long because I miss Emily so much and it's seems like yesterday that this terrible nightmare began."

About this time 5 months ago...Emily came out of surgery and the doctor said, she made it through the surgery...and I remember thinking well OK, this is good, right...and then I remember her saying something like...well no, a bunch of medical ya ya blah blah, we don't know if she got here soon enough...blah blah blah, it was all in slow motion...and today...I still feel lost in my thoughts...

Every day I wake up...the sun rises...I find time to honor Emily...and life kicks in...we survive...I put on my smile and face the day...the sun sets.

Working on the tournament and the scholarship give me reason...and the friends leading the way give me strength...thank you...

Hanna shares memories...and it brings smiles to our home...I refuse to not be present...

I read somewhere that when your child dies, you loose your future. But a sibling, looses there past, present and future...

I'm proud of myself for pushing forward...finding the light and the good. I've seen how much Emily meant to many and the impact and footprint she left. I've been humbled.

and I'm very tired...

Lady Titans 7 Cardinals 0

2009-03-12T22:32:00.002-06:00

...in our hearts and our minds...#5 Emily Johnson... wrist bands...new NIKE uniforms...you looked sharp and played with heart and grace...Leaque...state...here we come...it's the year of the Lady Titans...

I know that Emily played right along side her team today....

I will get thru this season...with tears, excitement, screams, laughter, anger, pride, team, passion, love, band-aids, weather, more tears ... and whatever else comes along our way...

2009-03-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

Birthday Emily! I love you to the moon and back...forever and ever! xo

Essence of Emily

2009-02-18T11:02:00.004-07:00

The Essence of Emily
(Published in Nashoba Publications, Times free Press and Lowell Sun)
By: Kris Anderson

In a time of economic crisis, where loss is measured in dollars, stock options and investment portfolios, a 16 Year old inspires thousands to give.

Wise beyond her years, 16 year old Emily Howley - Johnson chose to become an organ donor, not long before her death on November 17, 2008 As a result, Emily saved 5 lives and improved countless others, even as she lost her own. Through Donor Alliance, Emily gave her heart to a 9 year old boy; a lung to a mother of 2; a kidney and pancreas to a 37 year old man with Type 1 Diabetes, a kidney to a 29 year old woman and her corneas to two others. In addition, bone and soft tissue donations saved many others across the Country. Her example inspired her local High School and families across the Country to begin a tradition of "Random Acts of Kindness" to help others; in Emily's name.

The Bible says that we may entertain angels, unawares, during our time on earth. It truly seems that such was the case, with Emily Johnson. Emily was the 16 year old daughter of Sheryl Howley Johnson, formerly of Groton, and her husband D.J. Tragically killed in an A.T.V. accident in Colorado this November, she leaves behind a legacy most would take a much longer lifetime to build. Friends and family of the Howley and Johnson families will be holding a benefit on March 7, at the Knights of Columbus Hall in Pepperell to help old friends through this time of unthinkable loss. Called "Celebrating the Essence of Emily: A benefit for the Howley-Johnson Family", friends and strangers alike are invited to celebrate the life of an amazing girl and support their family in the spirit of community for which Emily was so well known.

Emily was one of those kids everyone noticed. This special high school junior was loving to her family, friends, the environment, her school, her soccer team, kids nobody wanted to be friends with and even strangers. Though a fierce competitor on the soccer field, as her aunt, Kim Howley English of Groton put it, "the essence of Emily was love." She went on to describe the beauty of her niece-which transcended her obvious physical beauty. "If you put your hand on Emily's shoulder, she would put her hand on your hand. If you leaned your head on her, she would lean her whole self into you. She was love."

Born and raised in Colorado, along with her beloved sister, Hanna, 14, Emily knew how sweet her life was from a very young age. Emily loved acting, and when she was just 10, while attending some acting classes in Carbondale, CO, she was invited to Hollywood by the daughter of an Academy Award winning screen writer. Excited, she and her mother made the trip to California, where Emily landed a part in a Public Service commercial promoting fitness, called "Verb, Its What You Do!", with NFL star, Donovan McNabb. Though she sparked much interest and thoroughly enjoyed her adventure, Emily was not seduced by the lure of fortune and fame. She told her parents she just wanted to return to her life in Colorado. "I LOVE my life. I love my friends. I love my family.” she said. Echoes of these sentiments in her journals have provided endless comfort to those she left behind.

Emily was invited with her friend, Rachel and family to travel to El Salvador. Traveling to the village of Epilogos, San Jose Villanueva, Emily experienced poverty first hand. She had planned to return for her senior year service project. She wanted to continue the work of volunteers Mike and Susie Jenkins, who had helped the village gain a water pump, fish farm, community center and school. The fish farm was so successful that the villagers had been able to open a restaurant. Emily met families displaced by gang violence and women who had to do their laundry in creeks. It was her wish to help to improve the lives of her new friends.

Even before high school, Emily had been a very young activist. She boycotted Coca Cola when she read that the company was not environmentally sensitive to the rain forest and founded the Planet Protectors at age 10. This club would go around picking up trash and spreading environmentalism at the grassroots level. Emily inspired her friends to post "Save the Earth" signs at school and around town and she loved to march in the parade at "Silt Hey Day"- her hometown's annual celebration-carrying "Love Mother Earth" signs, wearing like minded T-shirts and giving out candy. In middle school, Emily organized a dance for charity, raising over $400.which she used to adopt an Indian child named Munmun, providing food, medical care and education for her. She protested her school's ban on PJ pants and hugging- and worked to promote Gay Rights, all before she was in high school.

She left behind books and books filled with pages of affirmation of how much she loved her life. She was against drug and alcohol abuse and meanness. She believed in the power of good. Known for speaking out against bullying, Emily was the first to welcome a new student and had the gift of making everyone feel like they counted with her. During the agonizing week when Emily hung in the balance between life and death, her school held a candle-light vigil. Hundreds of kids showed up on a frigid night to pray and tell stories of Emily, before releasing balloons. Her soccer coach called her the heart of the team. Emily's 5 best friends told of her relentless humor as part of their circle 'the Six Chix'. Another friend told the story of her disastrous experiment using caramel as shampoo! After Emily passed away, a Celebration of Life was held at her high school, with over 1300 people gathering to remember their soccer captain and homecoming queen.

Emily left her family a gift that can't help but make one wonder if she had some kind of knowledge that her time with them would be short. She left a series of quotes and pictures, which she recorded, leaving no doubt as to how Emily viewed life. One of her quotes seemed to tap into this wisdom. "We always thought we would look back on our tears and laugh; but never thought that we'd look back on our laughter and cry." Though heartbroken, Emily's parents are determined to carry on Emily's example of giving in a positive way. To this end, a 3v3 soccer tournament called "Play It Forward" will be held in Glennwood Springs, Colorado, on June 6th and 7th to raise money for two Scholarships in Emily's name. One scholarship will be given to a student who shares Emily's passion for soccer. The other will be given to someone sharing her passion for creativity.

Coal Ridge High School will be dedicating Emily's former soccer field in March, in her honor. Affectionately dubbed "The Pasture" by Emily and her teammates for the dubious practice of spreading manure on in the pre-season; the soccer field will soon host a plaque reading: "The Pasture: in honor of Emily Johnson, our friend, teammate and Captain." A bas relief of Emily's handprint will be set into the plaque as well, "for all to reflect and touch hands with Em", explained Emily's mother, Sheryl Howley-Johnson. She noted, "Her spirit guides us daily."

For more information about organ donation, please contact Donor Alliance at www.donoralliance.org. Anyone interested in attending the benefit can purchase tickets at Groton Market, Main Street, Groton, MA. The Knights of Columbus of Pepperell are donating their Event Hall and local talents Coretta Sellars and the Tastes Like Chicken Band will be donating their music as well. In addition Local businesses are donating raffle items. Celebrating the Essence of Emily will be held on Saturday, March 7, from 7:30-11:30. Admission is $10.oo for adults and $5.oo for students/seniors. Guests are encouraged to bring a non-perishable donation for the food pantry, in Emily's name. Anyone interested in making a donation directly can do so at: Emily Johnson Benefit fund, Alpine Bank; 709 Horizon Dr; Grand Junction, CO 81506. For more information please contact Teresa Coyle-Airey at 978-833-9240

Emily taught by example to love and to give with no expectation of receiving anything in return. This is a chance for the Groton-Dunstable community to give back to such an exceptional girl, by supporting her family through their darkest hours. Groton was home to the Howleys for years. Grotonians will remember "Veggie City", the Howley's family farmstand on the corner of Nod Rd. and Rt. 119, manned by Howley kids: Sheryl, Kim, Jim, Bryan, Jenn and T.J. And Jim Howley, Sr was a well known face for years, with his milk route. Dunstablites knew the Howleys best from Jim and Delores' founding of the Dunstable General Store. Please consider giving your support to this worthy benefit. This is our chance to help "make it OK again" for the family of this wonderful girl. To use one of Emily's favorite quotes, ”Everything is OK in the end. If its not OK; its not the end."

Monday February 9, 2009 10:17 am

2009-02-09T10:16:00.002-07:00

Three months ago was Emily's accident...the sadness is still very real and strong...36 moons...to the other side of my grieving...And a life time of moving forward...

I spent some time in Sedona, AZ learning new tools to continue on my journey of grieving. I learned lots. I spent time with many people of different faiths and paths...we (my sisters and I) started our journey visiting Amitabha Stupa, www.amitabhastupa.org it is said, "by seeing a stupa or hearing about a stupa, remembering it, visualizing it - any kind of connection - will imbue you with a blessing, will connect you to enlightenment." And honestly, I feel a little lighter!

I learned that Emily is with me. There is an after life. I know that if Emily wasn't with me, I wouldn't be able to function. I envision her by my side, in a different dimension, cheering me onward...I feel her energy, intertwining and vibrating with mine.

I learned that Emily was a teacher, she taught me so much in her short life...I learned unconditional love...I personally don't believe until you're a parent you learn that love...and my Hanna is still here...

I was sitting on a rock, looking at Cathedral Rock and just thinking...I remembered all the pictures that Emily took and my mind started rushing with pictures and memories and at that moment I realized that Emily lived in the present, she CAPTURED every moment, every person, in her life...I learned I need to be present and capture the moments...there are many more to come...

I learned that greiving and sadness is all in honor of Emily and it's OK...

I'm going to continue to find what I learned from Emily and use it in my life.

Sedona is a place full of energy...I can't wait to go back...

Em(ily)brace Video

2009-01-23T09:22:00.002-07:00

January 17, 2008 8:30 pm

2009-01-17T20:28:00.002-07:00

2 months today...ugh

Seems like a life time...and yet just happened...

Today, Hanna had a volleyball tournament in Grand Junction...has kept us busy...DJ and I took some time today to go for a walk around the soccer field at Central High School. Just happens this field was the field Emily blew her knee on...felt sort of theraputic...felt right to be on a soccer field today...

For me, I've learned to move through each day, talk with people, joke, and listen...but in my quiet time, the pain in my heart, the loneliness in my being is deep and cutting...I miss my daughter, I miss her laughter, I miss her hugs, I miss our late night talks, I miss her being, her spirit, her love, I miss her silly ness, I miss her telling me she doesn't need a job, I'm just a kid and then a chuckle, I miss her rambling, I miss the preparation for some soccer "something". I miss giving her back rubs and arm tickles, I miss the blow dryer. I miss her, Hanna and DJ picking on me. I miss telling her how much I love her and I miss her telling me how much she loves me. I miss everything about her...and I wish so much she was here.

I've started back to work part time...it gives me something to focus on. I'm thankful for my job. (But hoping to win the lotto! haha)

Hanna is going to start part time school and part time homeschooling...I'm not sure Hanna knows what she is feeling...she just needs more time...

DJ is sad...his heart is heavy...time...

Time...according to Albert Einstein..."The only reason for time is so that everyting doesn't happen at once"

New Years Eve - December 31, 2008

2008-12-31T21:11:00.002-07:00

As 2009 starts creeping in I think about about how my life has changed...where is my life headed...will I ever be happy again? I don't know???

We spent Christmas in New England with my family, Kevin's family (Jenn's husband) and Gary's mom (Kim's husband). It was so nice to be with everyone. We had so much food and drink. We enjoyed being with each other. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful, loving, caring family. Jake learned to play "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton and got out his guitar and played. Corey picked up his guitar and before you know it we were hanging by the fireplace, they were playing music and we were singing...it was fun! One of those happy moments...building some new memories...

My family got Hanna a new puppy, her name is Tarp!!! She is adorable...Hanna loves her (me too)...but ohhh...puppies are so much work...I had forgotten. My mom and dad gave her a great beginning. She has adapted to so much change in the last couple weeks and is doing just fine (except, she is still on Eastern time. lol).

I got to see some friends...I too am blessed with many friends who surround me with their love and warmth...

Leaving Silt was hard...returning even harder... I find myself very sad today...I miss Emily soooo much. 2008 wasn't so good...and I can't imagine 2009 will be to good either...When someone you love dies, people do their best to comfort you. Time doesn't seem to lessen the pain. I feel like my pain is continuing to creep in, my numbness has lessened. One thing is true, life, as you live it, goes on...

...tonight I saw the crescent moon with a bright star below as I sat in my chair and looked out the window...I thought as I was taking in the beauty...if Emily was here she would have looked, stopped, thought, laughed and commented with some wild story..and walked away leaving me smiling, thinking how lucky I am you are a part of my life...

2009 here we come...

December 17, 2008 4:17 am

2008-12-17T04:17:00.000-07:00

One month ago, Emily left me...I miss her sooooo much.

I was laying in bed this morning and thinking about when she was a baby and how mothers always said oh, my baby is 4.3 weeks old and how I never could remember that kind of stuff...I went by the month or the almost a year method, and before I started to cry, I chuckled at myself.

I believe that Emily has surrounded our family with a warm blanket for the winter, allowing us to slowly thaw and feel a little at a time...in hopes that we will make it to the other side healthy and strong.

I feel like I've lost my connection to the whole wide world...it's funny...I truly do live through my kids...Emily kept me connected to people, to the kids, to the school, to their world...I felt like I knew what was going in so many lives.

I worry about Hanna growing up without Emily...who will she have to confide in and talk to about important decisions throughout life? Besides me of course...hehe...ya right...whatever...

I miss the excitement Emily brought to our home...she made us laugh...she was creative, the new t-shirts she made weekly, the ideas on saving/changing the world, the daily love she showed to us. Emily talked constantly, about everything and anything, We could be in the middle of a conversation or listening to a show and if Em had something to say...to her, nothing else mattered, she was going to tell us about what was on her mind right then. She took over our bathroom, and every morning at 6:50 that blow dryer started and oh man, how many times I thought to myself, I can't wait to have my bathroom back...ha...if only's...

Daily, I feel the desperation of her leaving my life...it's a feeling that overwhelmes my entire being and I don't know what to do with those feelings...and then I remember the fun and love and life that Emily lived every day and the memories that we made...and she brings a smile to my face...and I push forward....

2008-12-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

GLENWOOD POST Saturday, December 6, 2008

Thank you doesn’t even seem like words that fit in this situation. But, I do know the emptiness we all have felt has been tempered by the amazing community in which we live. From the moment the accident happened to today, the abundance of help and support shown to us has been incredibly humbling.

Emily touched so many people in her short life. We are so proud of the person she grew to be. We will all miss her dearly.

And to everyone, we are grateful for your place in our lives, for being our rescue, our doctors, our rock, our distraction, our comfort (thousands of loving hugs), for listening. And just being with us.

Sheryl, DJ and Hanna Johnson
Silt

p.s. The spaghetti dinner at Coal Ridge...thank you...again, humbling...

And to all our family and friends around the world...we know how much we are loved and that you have been with us in heart and spirit...

December 4, 2008 9:05 PM

2008-12-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

When you are 16 years old and exit...there are sooo many questions...and no answers..."Time can bring you down, it can bend your knees, have you beggin' please" for sure...

I know if I were on the outside...I too, would be wondering how are they doing?

Everyone talks about stages of grieving...and I'm sure we need to go through them all but who's to say if we are doing it right or wrong...

Hanna, has gone to school this week...she seems so strong. She is making good choices. Is writing to Emily. Walks in her room and says can I have this shirt or I have an idea...we are talking and her name isn't off limits...I think this is healthy???

DJ and I... we are sharing thoughts and feelings...we find that time doesn't really make sense and we SIT and STARE a lot. I have a list of things I need to do and if I get one thing done...I feel like I've accomplished lots. We joke because yesterday, I said I would vacuum...I did manage to plug the damn thing in. We walked around it all the rest of the day :) DJ vacuumed today. I've taken the flowers and pulled what I thought would dry pretty and made arrangements to dry and hang from our beams. I've pressed some flowers and I hope that someday I will find that old window that I can make a dried arrangement in (like I see at the fairs around the valley). And the rest we have put in our composter...I believe we will have some rich, beautiful soil right here in Silt because of Emily! DJ seems to be better at letting himself "feel" and be sad. I am still numb. I've had a couple times that I've cried so hard and felt so desperate but I don't like the feeling and make myself stop...I go numb again. I love hearing stories and looking at pictures and remembering what's good.

I think about how you, the people close to her feel and hope you are finding comfort some how, some way...keep talking, keep feeling, be healthy???

The last two nights we've been playing rummy at night...ha ha DJ and Hanna (oh and my sister Kim tonight) I'm the better than your better...ha ha

November 30, 2008 10:45 PM

2008-11-30T22:44:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRsJlAJvOSM&NR=1

I'm going to go and try to sleep...good night...

November 26, 2008 9:04 AM

2008-11-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

This morning seems like winter is creeping in...a new season...extreme sledding, boarding, skiing, hot cocoa, snowmen, snowball fights...all the while our valley storing water for the beginning of a new day...

We are continuing to get through each hour, each day. I find that thinking of good memories and hearing stories keeps me moving forward. I have moments when I can't move and feel paralyzed in my thoughts...

Hanna is going back to school on Monday...please look out for her...She is sooo strong and filled with good energy right now.

Tomorrow give thanks for all you have...eat lots, play games, tell the people around you how much they mean to you...

I know Emily knew how much I loved her, and I know how much she loved me...we told each other every day!

November 20, 2008 11:44 PM

2008-11-20T23:44:00.000-07:00

As I sit in the silence of my home...I have so many thoughts...today Emily was cremated. DJ and I played on the river...made a heart out of rocks and her name out of sticks...then we just walked. As we walked closer to the crematory, we were thinking was it this cloudy and gray when we started on our journey today? Tonight was a beautiful sunset...it was as if the clouds and grayness was opening and ready...my whole family stood in silence outside watching...Was the longest, most beautiful ever!

Kirk, you brought the laughter to my day...thank you...

I hope tomorrow brings one more day of life... And we celebrate her life with the passion she showed daily...such a tall order...

I miss you Emily so much...I love you Emily to the moon and back, forever and ever...

November 17, 2008 2:30 PM

2008-11-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

My dear Emily has left our human world...One thing I do believe is that all religions lead to the same place...with different paths along the way. I hope her spirit has risen into the universe, and her wings wrap us all up warm and safe to heal from our hurt and sadness. I do believe her spirit will be with me always guiding me to be healthy and whole. Helping me to remember that my emptiness leaves room for the new. I know her heart will be with Hanna, guiding her to find her way...and with DJ...helping him to find some peace in his thoughts.

When Emily got her license in June, she signed to be an Organ Donor. She is in that process now. Emily talked about changing the world...she could protentially save 8 lives with a heart, 2 lungs, pancreas, liver, 2 kidneys, small intestines and improve 100’s more with other tissues. She will be cremated and we will celebrate her life on Friday, 7:00 pm at Coal Ridge High School. Details to follow.

Thank you to everyone for being with us this week. We know we are loved…

Slideshow of the vigil for Emily

2008-11-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

See the Post Independent's slideshow of the vigil held for Emily at Coal Ridge High School in New Castle.

You can also read the Post Independent's story "Hundreds gather to pray for CRHS classmate"

Memories of Emily

2008-11-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

Please post your memories of Emily under the "Memories" topic, or email your photo's to emtarp5@yahoo.com.

Sunday 11.16.2008 6:06 am

2008-11-16T06:06:00.000-07:00

Medically, the brain condition has not changed. Her vitals are less stable. Her ICP (Inter Cranial Pressure) is spiking again.

We are making contacts with other medical professionals.

Hanna and I have been sleeping with her. Emily is Hanna's strength.

I find my heart breaking. I find my self sad. I find my self laughing and joking, I find myself wanting to hear stories. I find myself wanting to be with people and then I find myself just wanting to be with Emily, quiet and alone.

I find strength in Emily. Emily and I have had a very special relationship. Man, that girl can talk. We talked about everything...feelings, life issues, friends, school, soccer, people, current events, boys, love. We felt so safe with each other. Ya, know usually around 13 us parents becoming the stupidest, most embarrassing person on the planet...Emily never made me feel that way. I remember last year going to CRHS for some reason and she came over to me and walked with me, her arm around my waist. I felt welcomed.

I remember when Emily was about 11, and a little clarity came to me. Em, was talking and I was trying to tell her what to do and how to think, at least guiding her to those things, because after all that was my job, I was her mother and I knew what was best for her...and she got mad and told me I was treating her like a little kid...and this light came to me and told me to listen... Emily is giving me my strength to keep moving forward. So I'm listening...

Thoughts from Sheryl's sisters

2008-11-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

Jenn and I would like to take a moment to express our gratitude for all the love and support you have given to Sheryl, DJ, Emily and Hanna this past week. The outpour of emotional support and love for the Johnsons’ has been monumental. From the candle light vigil, the steady stream of visitors to the ICU waiting room, and the delivered meals the family has been eating for the past 6 days, we can’t thank you all enough. It speaks volumes to Emily’s spirit and just how many lives she has touched. Still, should anyone feel they need to do “something more” we have set up a benefit fund to help Sheryl, DJ and Hanna in the days, weeks and months to come.

Donations can be made in Emily’s name at the Alpine Bank in Colorado.
Anyone can make a donation to the Emily Johnson Benefit Fund by mailing checks to:

Alpine Bank
709 Horizon Drive
Grand Junction, Colorado 81506

Donations can be made at any Alpine Bank location

To find an Alpine Bank location, visit http://www.alpinebank.com/

Much Love,
Kim and Jenn

November 15, 2008 6:45ish

2008-11-15T06:49:00.000-07:00

I know Emily felt the love and empowerment, prayers and strength, energy...WOW... I am overwhelmed with emotion this morning. Thank you everyone!

Emily loves Saturdays...she can sleep in...I think I may take her lead on that one today...she is resting peacefully...She looks beautiful...I rubbed her feet with lotion ...

another day...pay if forward...

check it out:
http://glenwoodspringspostindependent.co.newsmemory.com/

November 14, 2008 5:40 am

2008-11-14T05:39:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday...wow...I think...well who cares anyways...minutes, hours, days they really all run into each other...but, the bottom line I guess, it is another day...oh and you know what it's Friday...oh my...

Restful Night. And yesterday was a good day for her. Her inter cranial pressure seems much more stable. I've decided Emily has an opinion even when she is down...haha...she doesn't like anyone messing with her mouth. (she doesn't like dentists) She is sensitive about the position her head is in. She doesn't like her tape too tight around her ventilator. And when she doesn't like it, her vitals and ICP let you know. I guess the spirit never changes!!!

One doctor had suggested a surgery this morning, putting in a trach and stomach tube...but the neurosurgeon felt there was no reason at this point. So deferring to the latter... There are a lot of doctors that are around and looking at her, it's sort of comforting...I'm not sure if it's a don't ask, don't tell...or if they aren't sure whether you understand or don't want to know. If you ask questions, they do have "some" answers. The brain is tricky...can't fix it. I think we've come to a mutual understanding, their job it to give the facts as they see them and my job is to be the mom, bring the hope and faith and let them know what kind of spirit they are dealing with!!! I believe, Emily, even in her injured and healing state, has touched many of their lives...I see the emotion and kindness they feel. They enjoy pictures and share stories I tell...

A candle light vigil is being held tonight at the Coal Ridge High School Soccer field at 7:00. And everyone is getting together to send healing energy, prayer and love to my baby. We will be with Emily guiding her to that energy and prayer. And all our friends, not here in our Valley, go to a soccer field, think of Emily and send your prayers and thoughts...

Em(ily)brace #5

2008-11-13T23:39:00.000-07:00

Friday November 14, 2008
7:00 PM

Candle Light Vigil
Coal Ridge High School Soccer Field

If you are across the country gather at your local soccer field!

Let's send good energy and pray for Emily Johnson !

4:40 PM

2008-11-13T16:49:00.000-07:00

Miracle: An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God: "Miracles are spontaneous, they cannot be summoned, but come of themselves"

She looks beautiful today!

I found myself needing to talk and cry with someone I didn't know well...I explained to her all I knew...Emily's medical condition, how I want to believe and hope for a miracle, Hanna, my support system, what a special person Em was to bring all these people together. I explained that I thought all these people are here because Emily has touched their life somehow and in someway. And I thought they needed to see to move forward. We all prayed with Emily. I know she could feel the energy, the love, and the hope.

For all of you that have spent the days, into the night, onto the next morning...please take care of yourselves...You have given me a gift I hold in my heart! I am so proud of my daughter, she connected so many people and obviously gave so much of herself...

November 13, 2008 6:40 am

2008-11-13T06:42:00.000-07:00

Another day...

Emily looks peaceful! She has a new pair of boots and they look quite comfortable, soft and warm. Keep her feet flexible (to kick that soccer ball) and prevent soars on her heals. Don't really know the protocol for the day...just looking for one small, good thing to happen.

OK, so I believe in God, good energy and karma...I know that Emily feels me in the room, when I touch her, she feels me...and I can feel her energy too! Last night, we were in the room and Emily loves her arm tickles from DJ, I was standing beside her and giving her an arm tickle and looked at her and said, Emily, if you can feel me, I want to see extra breathes...I then looked at the monitor and she took (on her own, above and beyond the ventilator) 4 breaths. Hanna's eyes got big...so lots of praying, good energy and cashing in on the karma...I feel that today!

Rachel, thanks for keeping the faith...and not getting "sucked in" yesterday...You put the whole group of us back on track...

8:40 PM

2008-11-12T20:37:00.000-07:00

Hanna and I decided to write this blog together...

"And Its Real And It Wont Go Away, Oh No,
Cant Get Around, And I Cant Run Away,
I Need A Miracle Everyday."
-g.d.

We found out today, that Emily's injury is in the lower part of the brain stem. The functions of the brain stem include life functions, and awake-ness. She had a tough day with her ICPs, the pressure was hard to keep stable, and they decided to up her blood pressure with medicines so they could give her more sedation.

I know Emily will pull through all this, she has always been the strongest person i know. Shes always so positive, and i know she still is thinking that way for herself. We all are staying strong for her, like we know she would for anyone else, thats what she needs from us. Its hard for me, as her sister, to sit here and wonder, and not be able to help her. Id do anything for her, and i know she knows that. Emily is definitely my best friend, and one of the best people in my life. Shes more than a sister, we are not the siblings that most people are, we get along like best friends do, but we never seem to get sick of each other. I thank Emily for that. She is always so patient and understanding, i cant wait for her to come out of this and realize how strong and special she really is, to so many different people. I know she is in there doing all she can do, and trying her best at it, cause thats just the person she is. She is always so determined in everything, this situation especially. I love her sooooo much, id fill up this whole blog with extra O's if i could, i wish i could explain it, to her now, more than ever. I know you will come out strong sis, you always have, and i know you will again. You've been a fighter since day one, and you will be till your last days. That wont be anytime soon though, your not going anywhere without your best fight. Your fights always been strong enough before, it still will be. You are so strong. I cant wait to give you a hug when you wake up. i love you em.
-Hanna

1:05 pm

2008-11-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in her room right now, thinking and remembering...What I do know...Emily has boundless energy, a contagious laugh, a spirit that truly makes you believe you can do anything, a leadership that brings people together, to celebrate, to believe, to fight for...a true kindness, a being beyond her age, the willingness to listen, looks for solutions, a love of people, and a love of life. Emily loves Hanna and is the best big sister a little sister could ever ask for.

What I've learned today...between 72 and 96 hours are the the hardest. Swelling is at it's peak and there is no give in the skull. We are trying to keep her quiet and sedated with very little stimulation, allowing her body the rest and peacefulness she needs during this time period.

This morning, I was able to see her head when they changed the bandages. They have shaved the front part of her hair away leaving a tiny amount of her beautiful, curly, copper, brown hair sticking out the back. She has a beautiful head and was exceptionally gorgeous this morning. Her stitches silently gave me a chuckle...I thought of frankenstein! And then of course I thought Emily would have been thinking the same thing and again, I outwardly smiled!

The hospital has given Emily's friends a place in the cafeteria to set up and be together. You guys have been my rock...Emily has surrounded herself with beautiful people!

Please pray hard...miracles can and do happen!!!

November 12, 2008 5:24 AM

2008-11-12T05:24:00.000-07:00

Another morning...Emily seemed to sleep well. Her face and eyes are even less swollen and her vitals are stable. Her pain medication and sedation seems to be an art form of it's own...constantly managed and forever evolving. She is stimulated by "routine" maintenance, making her cough, changing bandages and cleaning her bed or her body. When she is stimulated her ICP (inter cranial pressure) rises and this can be bothersome to her recovery. Our soothing voices seem comforting to her. There are times when the medical staff doesn't want us around and for understanding reasons...She needs rest, no stimulation just quality down time where her body is not trying to work at all.

Hanna is always looking for the positives...yesterday she came in the room when they were changing the tape that holds the ventilator and food tube in place and obviously removing the tape off her face really hurts and therefore her body reacts. Hanna watches them start and she observes her legs going crazy...she looks at me and says, eyes wide open, her legs are really moving mom, that's good right? And I said, she still can feel and can move, yes this is good. She took that and left to tell, with some sort of excitement to others "on the sidelines".

Again, thanks for all the support...we are feeling the love! Continue good energy and prayer for Emily.

11:45 PM

2008-11-11T21:19:00.000-07:00

Time...patience...positivity...the words of the day. The swelling in Emily's face and eyes has diminished some. She has times where the pressure/swelling in her head is very high...fluids are continuing to drain. Today was challenging for everyone...I learned how sleeplessness pulls you down and will work at allowing myself more resting time.

Emily's friends have filled her room with pictures, flowers and messages...you guys rock!

November 11, 2008 12:15 pm

2008-11-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

As we sit with Emily, watching and waiting...lots of things come to mind...things to remember and think about when healing...As with any bruise or injury, it always gets worse before it gets better... The doctor is worried and concerned because Emily isn't having any reaction today. So, first course of action is to lower the sedatives slowly (not to waken her) to see if that may be a reason...that's were we are now.

The waiting room is once again full with friends...they are working on a collage for her room.

I know that many of you know that Emily calls herself "Tarp". Lindsey Tarpley is #5 on the Woman's National Soccer Team. Audrey and Sam wrote to Lindsay and told her about Emily and Tarpley wrote back to Tell Emily she was thinking of her. If you could have seem Emily when she was at the America/Brazil game in Denver and met Lindsey, she was ecstatic...and told Lindsey, "You made my Life". just a cool memory...

2008-11-11T07:06:00.000-07:00

Good Morning! I wanted to give you an update this morning. As a parent, I feel like tiny positive steps have happened. Last night they put another drain in her skull and it seems to me like it released some pressure and swelling in her face also...coincidence I don't know? She slept well and looked peaceful and comfortable last night. They started a new protocol of drugs that seem to keep her more regulated. Her vitals are stable. They still have her in a medical coma and she will stay that way until the swelling in her brain subsides and they feel her brain has had plenty of healing time. I truly don't know how long that will be...

We all know that Emily's heart and soul are full of positive energy. She is fighting for her life and working very hard. I know that if Emily could talk she would have an "opinion" about what's going on right now...

Also, wanted to mention how wonderful if feels to live in our community...you guys have been our support, thank you. We also feel how much Emily has touched so many lives. She has so many people that care about her...I tell her everyday about you all!

I was thinking if you have a picture or a memory to share we could make a collage for her room...bring it or send it with "the 6 chicks" or Ryan...and when she is ready to open her eyes, you guys will be there with her.

Thank you for all the positive energy and prayers...

Day 2 11-10-08 2:19PM

2008-11-10T14:16:00.000-07:00

No changes at this time.

Day 2 11-10-08 9:25am

2008-11-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

Sheryl and DJ appreciate the love and prayers you are sending to Emily. They want everyone to know that she is still under a medically-induced coma and the doctors will keep her in that state until she is healed enough to come out of it. She has several fractures on her skull and face. Although she is hooked up to a ventilator, Emily has been taking breaths on her own which is a very good sign. Sheryl & DJ are going to be staying in a room that the hospital is providing and Hanna will join them when she flies in from her trip. Please continue to pray not only for Emily, but for the whole family. Ryan has bumps and bruises but is otherwise physically ok. Again, your prayers and love are felt by the family.

The First Day 11-9-08

2008-11-10T02:02:00.000-07:00

Today has been rough on family and friends, but a lot of people showed up to support Emily and her family. Emily came out of surgey around 9:30pm and her organs and blood pressure were stable. She is in ICU in a drug induced coma and she'll stay in one till doc says she's ready to come out of it. Sheryl and DJ have a place to stay at the hospital for the whole time that Emily is in the hospital. We hope this blog is very useful to you for updates instead of having to call the family. They appreciate the love shown by all, but hope this is an easier way to get updates. As of now (2:06am) Emily is still in the same state and we won't know a whole lot more until later on tomorrow. We will keep updating the blog as much as possible. PRAY FOR EMILY!!! We all know she is strong and will come out of the coma healthy and FULLY RECOVERED...and smiling like she always is :). And we're gonna try and sleep :).

-Sam and Audrey