One year...

It's 11:30 on November 9, 2009 and one year ago...I remember walking into Emily's room and giving her the key to the green turd as she called my subaru...I looked at her and gently touched her face and said, dad and I are leaving for Denver...where do you want me to put this key and she said..on the table...I said I love you and she said I love you too. I remember vividly her position...she always slept on her back. Her perfect little nose. Her mouth. Her beautiful hair. Her eyes were closed...and I shut the door...

And I can't help but say right now...if only we didn't go to Denver...

I'm not sure why right now seems so hard. It truly isn't any different than ever day this past year...but it's hard. Maybe because we could always look back and say rem(em)ber last year at this time...and now there is just sadness left for this time last year. I really can't explain it.

This year I've learned about sadness. The kind that really feels like your heart is broken...like it's cracking while you cry. This year I've learned about empathy. I've learned to listen. This year I've learned about community. That saying "it takes a village..." I couldn't have gotten to today without mine. I learned that tomorrow is another day. And you will wake up. And you will move through it.

You have to find a way to laugh a little bit each day despite everything, or your heart will simply run out of the joy that makes it go. ~Daoud Hari

Fall 2009

Fall used to be my favorite season...a crispness in the air...the sun moves down in the sky giving us depth in the mountains and viewing of our space. The sunsets collecting the change and bountiful in color...The earth just seems alive and busy preparing for it's hibernation. This fall brings great sadness for me...I have had a year of firsts...and not as exciting as the first step or the first word or the first kiss. Just the first year without Emily...

DJ, Hanna and I went on vacation to Trinidad, CA in August and it was the first time I had some down time since returning to work in January. I spent so much time, energy and focus on succeeding at work...working with others to put together a scholarship and tournament...that I realized THEN that I hadn't moved into acceptance yet. Don't get me wrong...I don't think I would have gotten through those months with out the focus and help and support from everyone...and I know that is all that I could have handled at that time...I would continuously think, she will be back any time now...this is just a big bad joke...there is no way that someone like Emily could possibly have died...well 10 1/2 months later, I have accepted it. I miss her so much. I sometimes have vivid memories of something we did. I have started remembering her as a baby and young girl and her silliness. I sometimes am stopped in my house by remembering a moment and an expression and hearing Emily's voice in a certain situation. And as hard as the last couple months have been...I'm glad that slowly this is coming back to me.

Life continues on...and every once in a while someone shares a memory or story and I feel the warmth of Emily's spirit in them. I feel grateful that the human person allows time to soften their pain and that Em's friends have been able to heal and find the good and happiness in their lives once again.

I don't look for the why's or try to figure it out anymore...at least I haven't for a while...there are no answers and they drive me crazy...

I do still wonder about the after life...and is there a heaven and will I have Emily with me again? It's weird...I've always thought of myself as a spiritual person... I'm not sure I can explain this part, but I have had people pass on/cross over/die in my life, and I would sit and think and say I love you and I will miss you...and that was as far as it went...now I want for it to be...I want there to be place in the clouds, in a new dimension, in the blue sky, a place where we all get to be together again. Maybe Heaven...I'm hoping....

DJ and I have talked about how our perspective has changed so much. Don't sweat the small stuff...in the end, the things that matter are your family, friends, that you are constantly learning and growing, kindness, openness and acceptance...life truly is a journey and you just never know...

We continue to heal and with every season a new space...Hanna summed it up for me the other day... "When I think of Emily and our memories I smile. When I think of how much I miss her, I cry."

Friday, July 10, 2009

I believe...summer is here. It's hot. I have enjoyed our rainy, cool beginning. Our gardens have really flourished. Trees are green. Native Grasses are tall...I love watching them sway with the wind. Lots of beautiful rainbows...with vivid colors. I was reading about rainbows. So many different ideas of why they show themselves to us. Of course there is the scientific reason: The light is first refracted as it enters the surface of the raindrop, reflected off the back of the drop, and again refracted as it leaves the drop. The overall effect is that the incoming light is reflected back over a wide range of angles, with the most intense light at an angle of 40°–42°. And then there is of course Religion and Mythology: In Greek mythology, the rainbow was considered to be a path made by a messenger (Iris) between Earth and Heaven. In Chinese mythology, the rainbow was a slit in the sky sealed by Goddess Nüwa using stones of five different colours. Another Indian mythology says rainbow is the bow of Kama, the God of love. In New Age and Hindu philosophy, the seven colours of the rainbow represent the seven chakras, from the first chakra (red) to the seventh chakra (violet). Whatever you choose to believe...the sky and earth sure have showed some changes, some color and maybe a little warmth can settle in?

I told Dan, summer will not come until that bench is up there...she doesn't want to miss a thing! Dan had been working on a bench honoring Emily. A place of peace...overlooking her "special place" where she would go with friends or alone to swim, tan, talk, cry, think...so overlooking the swimming hole is a bench for us now to sit, think, tan, read, talk, cry, and listen.... in the midst of winter I found within me an eternal summer...

Sunday morning....

What I wanted most for my daughter was that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.
- Helen Claes

It's a blue sunny morning...I'm sitting in my outdoor rocker (sounds old already) overlooking my part of the world...The depth in the mountains to the south...the bookcliffs to the west, Silt to the east and the hogback to my north...there is a cool chill in the air...but my coffee is hot.

As I reflect...

Hanna and my relationship has grown and connected in a new way that I can't even explain. We trust each other and find comfort in and with each other. We have moments of giggles, moments of memories, moments of silence...

The Emily Johnson 3v3 Tournament was a success! To me the absolute most important part is the togetherness...We united people and crossed lines of comfort and found the passion of soccer exciting and fun...(sounds so emily)...and together as a community...we paid it forward..we made money to fund two scholarships and to donate to charities globally...this year will be Darfur...Emily was passionate about the civil conflict in Sudan and was to make this her senior project. As I think about the very special group of people that worked on this project...I can't help but think again "how Emily" I feel like I strengthened bonds of friendship that were part of a bigger picture...I knew everyone, some on a personal level already, but some because of Emily...and over time, we worked together, talked with each other, made decisions together, begun the healing together. I learned about our strengths and connected with people at a whole new level...you guys helped me get through the last 6 moons and I am forever grateful for your presence in my life...xo I am graced with a wonderful, loving family. You guys just come and figure out what needs to be done and do it...and you played soccer...hehehe...I love you guys.

So here is some randomness in my thoughts...I can't help but think about how so many of our friends are going off to college soon...and how parents are reflective, scared, sad, happy too...we did our jobs well when our children leave and make a life for themselves...the circle continues...

So now, it's summer in the Rockies and I'm hoping for time to remember. I still feel like I'm in survival mode...and the sadness is so close...I miss Emily. I'm beginning to have some of "my own" memories, in bits and pieces...

I know that time is our greatest healer...but for me (as an old friend concurred) time doesn't make it better...it makes it different...

And I do know that Emily soared confidently in this world...

Time...

I wrote to a friend today and this is what I said...I find it hard to believe that it's been 6 months since I've had a hug or a smile...a night laying on her bed talking and laughing or crying or both...a moment of "my ears are bleeding"...a night of a house FULL of girls...a game of Apples to Apples played Emily style...someone in my face challenging what I say with a real need to know why....Life does move forward but it certainly doesn't feel near as nice or fun...

We made it thru soccer season...yes it was emotional... Every game I would prepare myself to go watch...because there was no way that I wasn't. Some days before the game, I would go and sit on the field and talk to Em...I was sure she was there preparing for the game. As I watched the game, I actually found happiness for moments and competition throughout my being. I enjoyed watching the girls pass the ball foot to foot. I enjoyed watching them trust each other forward and backwards on the field. I enjoyed listening to them communicate with each other. They played like a team and it was amazing. And at times I swear I could hear her voice. This team honored Emily in a way that I know she is so proud of. They gave everything they had. They played like she was there playing with them. From their hearts... I'm not sure I've ever seen a group of young people with so much character. And B, was a true guide...leading them in such a positive direction. I remember the day before the 1st playoff game against Bayfield...I had this vision of Emily (I know this sounds weird) gathering the angels...and insisting in an Emily way, that they needed to make t-shirts and posters for the game...and when I was there at the field...the vision continued of these angels amongst us with their posters and tshirts and happiness...it was fun!! Oh and we made it to Sweet 16...

As a family, I feel like the 3 of us are moving forward together in a healthy, strong way. We've got a garden started. We built a chicken coop and have some baby chicks out there. Hanna and DJ are playing nightly cribbage matches. Hanna and I are talking and connecting. We talk about Emily and share memories... We laugh and cry...

I find writing hard...will I say the right things...do I think the right things? ha...so anyways, I have a candle lit and I sit in the dark thinking about the last five months and this is what comes to my mind...

DJ said yesterday what I've been trying to figure out how to say. "It's been so long because I miss Emily so much and it's seems like yesterday that this terrible nightmare began."

About this time 5 months ago...Emily came out of surgery and the doctor said, she made it through the surgery...and I remember thinking well OK, this is good, right...and then I remember her saying something like...well no, a bunch of medical ya ya blah blah, we don't know if she got here soon enough...blah blah blah, it was all in slow motion...and today...I still feel lost in my thoughts...

Every day I wake up...the sun rises...I find time to honor Emily...and life kicks in...we survive...I put on my smile and face the day...the sun sets.

Working on the tournament and the scholarship give me reason...and the friends leading the way give me strength...thank you...

Hanna shares memories...and it brings smiles to our home...I refuse to not be present...

I read somewhere that when your child dies, you loose your future. But a sibling, looses there past, present and future...

I'm proud of myself for pushing forward...finding the light and the good. I've seen how much Emily meant to many and the impact and footprint she left. I've been humbled.

and I'm very tired...

Lady Titans 7 Cardinals 0

...in our hearts and our minds...#5 Emily Johnson... wrist bands...new NIKE uniforms...you looked sharp and played with heart and grace...Leaque...state...here we come...it's the year of the Lady Titans...

I know that Emily played right along side her team today....

I will get thru this season...with tears, excitement, screams, laughter, anger, pride, team, passion, love, band-aids, weather, more tears ... and whatever else comes along our way...