Fall 2009

Fall used to be my favorite season...a crispness in the air...the sun moves down in the sky giving us depth in the mountains and viewing of our space. The sunsets collecting the change and bountiful in color...The earth just seems alive and busy preparing for it's hibernation. This fall brings great sadness for me...I have had a year of firsts...and not as exciting as the first step or the first word or the first kiss. Just the first year without Emily...

DJ, Hanna and I went on vacation to Trinidad, CA in August and it was the first time I had some down time since returning to work in January. I spent so much time, energy and focus on succeeding at work...working with others to put together a scholarship and tournament...that I realized THEN that I hadn't moved into acceptance yet. Don't get me wrong...I don't think I would have gotten through those months with out the focus and help and support from everyone...and I know that is all that I could have handled at that time...I would continuously think, she will be back any time now...this is just a big bad joke...there is no way that someone like Emily could possibly have died...well 10 1/2 months later, I have accepted it. I miss her so much. I sometimes have vivid memories of something we did. I have started remembering her as a baby and young girl and her silliness. I sometimes am stopped in my house by remembering a moment and an expression and hearing Emily's voice in a certain situation. And as hard as the last couple months have been...I'm glad that slowly this is coming back to me.

Life continues on...and every once in a while someone shares a memory or story and I feel the warmth of Emily's spirit in them. I feel grateful that the human person allows time to soften their pain and that Em's friends have been able to heal and find the good and happiness in their lives once again.

I don't look for the why's or try to figure it out anymore...at least I haven't for a while...there are no answers and they drive me crazy...

I do still wonder about the after life...and is there a heaven and will I have Emily with me again? It's weird...I've always thought of myself as a spiritual person... I'm not sure I can explain this part, but I have had people pass on/cross over/die in my life, and I would sit and think and say I love you and I will miss you...and that was as far as it went...now I want for it to be...I want there to be place in the clouds, in a new dimension, in the blue sky, a place where we all get to be together again. Maybe Heaven...I'm hoping....

DJ and I have talked about how our perspective has changed so much. Don't sweat the small stuff...in the end, the things that matter are your family, friends, that you are constantly learning and growing, kindness, openness and acceptance...life truly is a journey and you just never know...

We continue to heal and with every season a new space...Hanna summed it up for me the other day... "When I think of Emily and our memories I smile. When I think of how much I miss her, I cry."