As 2009 starts creeping in I think about about how my life has changed...where is my life headed...will I ever be happy again? I don't know???
We spent Christmas in New England with my family, Kevin's family (Jenn's husband) and Gary's mom (Kim's husband). It was so nice to be with everyone. We had so much food and drink. We enjoyed being with each other. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful, loving, caring family. Jake learned to play "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton and got out his guitar and played. Corey picked up his guitar and before you know it we were hanging by the fireplace, they were playing music and we were singing...it was fun! One of those happy moments...building some new memories...
My family got Hanna a new puppy, her name is Tarp!!! She is adorable...Hanna loves her (me too)...but ohhh...puppies are so much work...I had forgotten. My mom and dad gave her a great beginning. She has adapted to so much change in the last couple weeks and is doing just fine (except, she is still on Eastern time. lol).
I got to see some friends...I too am blessed with many friends who surround me with their love and warmth...
Leaving Silt was hard...returning even harder... I find myself very sad today...I miss Emily soooo much. 2008 wasn't so good...and I can't imagine 2009 will be to good either...When someone you love dies, people do their best to comfort you. Time doesn't seem to lessen the pain. I feel like my pain is continuing to creep in, my numbness has lessened. One thing is true, life, as you live it, goes on...
...tonight I saw the crescent moon with a bright star below as I sat in my chair and looked out the window...I thought as I was taking in the beauty...if Emily was here she would have looked, stopped, thought, laughed and commented with some wild story..and walked away leaving me smiling, thinking how lucky I am you are a part of my life...
2009 here we come...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
December 17, 2008 4:17 am
One month ago, Emily left me...I miss her sooooo much.
I was laying in bed this morning and thinking about when she was a baby and how mothers always said oh, my baby is 4.3 weeks old and how I never could remember that kind of stuff...I went by the month or the almost a year method, and before I started to cry, I chuckled at myself.
I believe that Emily has surrounded our family with a warm blanket for the winter, allowing us to slowly thaw and feel a little at a time...in hopes that we will make it to the other side healthy and strong.
I feel like I've lost my connection to the whole wide world...it's funny...I truly do live through my kids...Emily kept me connected to people, to the kids, to the school, to their world...I felt like I knew what was going in so many lives.
I worry about Hanna growing up without Emily...who will she have to confide in and talk to about important decisions throughout life? Besides me of course...hehe...ya right...whatever...
I miss the excitement Emily brought to our home...she made us laugh...she was creative, the new t-shirts she made weekly, the ideas on saving/changing the world, the daily love she showed to us. Emily talked constantly, about everything and anything, We could be in the middle of a conversation or listening to a show and if Em had something to say...to her, nothing else mattered, she was going to tell us about what was on her mind right then. She took over our bathroom, and every morning at 6:50 that blow dryer started and oh man, how many times I thought to myself, I can't wait to have my bathroom back...ha...if only's...
Daily, I feel the desperation of her leaving my life...it's a feeling that overwhelmes my entire being and I don't know what to do with those feelings...and then I remember the fun and love and life that Emily lived every day and the memories that we made...and she brings a smile to my face...and I push forward....
I was laying in bed this morning and thinking about when she was a baby and how mothers always said oh, my baby is 4.3 weeks old and how I never could remember that kind of stuff...I went by the month or the almost a year method, and before I started to cry, I chuckled at myself.
I believe that Emily has surrounded our family with a warm blanket for the winter, allowing us to slowly thaw and feel a little at a time...in hopes that we will make it to the other side healthy and strong.
I feel like I've lost my connection to the whole wide world...it's funny...I truly do live through my kids...Emily kept me connected to people, to the kids, to the school, to their world...I felt like I knew what was going in so many lives.
I worry about Hanna growing up without Emily...who will she have to confide in and talk to about important decisions throughout life? Besides me of course...hehe...ya right...whatever...
I miss the excitement Emily brought to our home...she made us laugh...she was creative, the new t-shirts she made weekly, the ideas on saving/changing the world, the daily love she showed to us. Emily talked constantly, about everything and anything, We could be in the middle of a conversation or listening to a show and if Em had something to say...to her, nothing else mattered, she was going to tell us about what was on her mind right then. She took over our bathroom, and every morning at 6:50 that blow dryer started and oh man, how many times I thought to myself, I can't wait to have my bathroom back...ha...if only's...
Daily, I feel the desperation of her leaving my life...it's a feeling that overwhelmes my entire being and I don't know what to do with those feelings...and then I remember the fun and love and life that Emily lived every day and the memories that we made...and she brings a smile to my face...and I push forward....
Saturday, December 13, 2008
GLENWOOD POST Saturday, December 6, 2008
Thank you doesn’t even seem like words that fit in this situation. But, I do know the emptiness we all have felt has been tempered by the amazing community in which we live. From the moment the accident happened to today, the abundance of help and support shown to us has been incredibly humbling.
Emily touched so many people in her short life. We are so proud of the person she grew to be. We will all miss her dearly.
And to everyone, we are grateful for your place in our lives, for being our rescue, our doctors, our rock, our distraction, our comfort (thousands of loving hugs), for listening. And just being with us.
Sheryl, DJ and Hanna Johnson
Silt
p.s. The spaghetti dinner at Coal Ridge...thank you...again, humbling...
And to all our family and friends around the world...we know how much we are loved and that you have been with us in heart and spirit...
Thank you doesn’t even seem like words that fit in this situation. But, I do know the emptiness we all have felt has been tempered by the amazing community in which we live. From the moment the accident happened to today, the abundance of help and support shown to us has been incredibly humbling.
Emily touched so many people in her short life. We are so proud of the person she grew to be. We will all miss her dearly.
And to everyone, we are grateful for your place in our lives, for being our rescue, our doctors, our rock, our distraction, our comfort (thousands of loving hugs), for listening. And just being with us.
Sheryl, DJ and Hanna Johnson
Silt
p.s. The spaghetti dinner at Coal Ridge...thank you...again, humbling...
And to all our family and friends around the world...we know how much we are loved and that you have been with us in heart and spirit...
Thursday, December 4, 2008
December 4, 2008 9:05 PM
When you are 16 years old and exit...there are sooo many questions...and no answers..."Time can bring you down, it can bend your knees, have you beggin' please" for sure...
I know if I were on the outside...I too, would be wondering how are they doing?
Everyone talks about stages of grieving...and I'm sure we need to go through them all but who's to say if we are doing it right or wrong...
Hanna, has gone to school this week...she seems so strong. She is making good choices. Is writing to Emily. Walks in her room and says can I have this shirt or I have an idea...we are talking and her name isn't off limits...I think this is healthy???
DJ and I... we are sharing thoughts and feelings...we find that time doesn't really make sense and we SIT and STARE a lot. I have a list of things I need to do and if I get one thing done...I feel like I've accomplished lots. We joke because yesterday, I said I would vacuum...I did manage to plug the damn thing in. We walked around it all the rest of the day :) DJ vacuumed today. I've taken the flowers and pulled what I thought would dry pretty and made arrangements to dry and hang from our beams. I've pressed some flowers and I hope that someday I will find that old window that I can make a dried arrangement in (like I see at the fairs around the valley). And the rest we have put in our composter...I believe we will have some rich, beautiful soil right here in Silt because of Emily! DJ seems to be better at letting himself "feel" and be sad. I am still numb. I've had a couple times that I've cried so hard and felt so desperate but I don't like the feeling and make myself stop...I go numb again. I love hearing stories and looking at pictures and remembering what's good.
I think about how you, the people close to her feel and hope you are finding comfort some how, some way...keep talking, keep feeling, be healthy???
The last two nights we've been playing rummy at night...ha ha DJ and Hanna (oh and my sister Kim tonight) I'm the better than your better...ha ha
I know if I were on the outside...I too, would be wondering how are they doing?
Everyone talks about stages of grieving...and I'm sure we need to go through them all but who's to say if we are doing it right or wrong...
Hanna, has gone to school this week...she seems so strong. She is making good choices. Is writing to Emily. Walks in her room and says can I have this shirt or I have an idea...we are talking and her name isn't off limits...I think this is healthy???
DJ and I... we are sharing thoughts and feelings...we find that time doesn't really make sense and we SIT and STARE a lot. I have a list of things I need to do and if I get one thing done...I feel like I've accomplished lots. We joke because yesterday, I said I would vacuum...I did manage to plug the damn thing in. We walked around it all the rest of the day :) DJ vacuumed today. I've taken the flowers and pulled what I thought would dry pretty and made arrangements to dry and hang from our beams. I've pressed some flowers and I hope that someday I will find that old window that I can make a dried arrangement in (like I see at the fairs around the valley). And the rest we have put in our composter...I believe we will have some rich, beautiful soil right here in Silt because of Emily! DJ seems to be better at letting himself "feel" and be sad. I am still numb. I've had a couple times that I've cried so hard and felt so desperate but I don't like the feeling and make myself stop...I go numb again. I love hearing stories and looking at pictures and remembering what's good.
I think about how you, the people close to her feel and hope you are finding comfort some how, some way...keep talking, keep feeling, be healthy???
The last two nights we've been playing rummy at night...ha ha DJ and Hanna (oh and my sister Kim tonight) I'm the better than your better...ha ha
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