One year...

It's 11:30 on November 9, 2009 and one year ago...I remember walking into Emily's room and giving her the key to the green turd as she called my subaru...I looked at her and gently touched her face and said, dad and I are leaving for Denver...where do you want me to put this key and she said..on the table...I said I love you and she said I love you too. I remember vividly her position...she always slept on her back. Her perfect little nose. Her mouth. Her beautiful hair. Her eyes were closed...and I shut the door...

And I can't help but say right now...if only we didn't go to Denver...

I'm not sure why right now seems so hard. It truly isn't any different than ever day this past year...but it's hard. Maybe because we could always look back and say rem(em)ber last year at this time...and now there is just sadness left for this time last year. I really can't explain it.

This year I've learned about sadness. The kind that really feels like your heart is broken...like it's cracking while you cry. This year I've learned about empathy. I've learned to listen. This year I've learned about community. That saying "it takes a village..." I couldn't have gotten to today without mine. I learned that tomorrow is another day. And you will wake up. And you will move through it.

You have to find a way to laugh a little bit each day despite everything, or your heart will simply run out of the joy that makes it go. ~Daoud Hari

Fall 2009

Fall used to be my favorite season...a crispness in the air...the sun moves down in the sky giving us depth in the mountains and viewing of our space. The sunsets collecting the change and bountiful in color...The earth just seems alive and busy preparing for it's hibernation. This fall brings great sadness for me...I have had a year of firsts...and not as exciting as the first step or the first word or the first kiss. Just the first year without Emily...

DJ, Hanna and I went on vacation to Trinidad, CA in August and it was the first time I had some down time since returning to work in January. I spent so much time, energy and focus on succeeding at work...working with others to put together a scholarship and tournament...that I realized THEN that I hadn't moved into acceptance yet. Don't get me wrong...I don't think I would have gotten through those months with out the focus and help and support from everyone...and I know that is all that I could have handled at that time...I would continuously think, she will be back any time now...this is just a big bad joke...there is no way that someone like Emily could possibly have died...well 10 1/2 months later, I have accepted it. I miss her so much. I sometimes have vivid memories of something we did. I have started remembering her as a baby and young girl and her silliness. I sometimes am stopped in my house by remembering a moment and an expression and hearing Emily's voice in a certain situation. And as hard as the last couple months have been...I'm glad that slowly this is coming back to me.

Life continues on...and every once in a while someone shares a memory or story and I feel the warmth of Emily's spirit in them. I feel grateful that the human person allows time to soften their pain and that Em's friends have been able to heal and find the good and happiness in their lives once again.

I don't look for the why's or try to figure it out anymore...at least I haven't for a while...there are no answers and they drive me crazy...

I do still wonder about the after life...and is there a heaven and will I have Emily with me again? It's weird...I've always thought of myself as a spiritual person... I'm not sure I can explain this part, but I have had people pass on/cross over/die in my life, and I would sit and think and say I love you and I will miss you...and that was as far as it went...now I want for it to be...I want there to be place in the clouds, in a new dimension, in the blue sky, a place where we all get to be together again. Maybe Heaven...I'm hoping....

DJ and I have talked about how our perspective has changed so much. Don't sweat the small stuff...in the end, the things that matter are your family, friends, that you are constantly learning and growing, kindness, openness and acceptance...life truly is a journey and you just never know...

We continue to heal and with every season a new space...Hanna summed it up for me the other day... "When I think of Emily and our memories I smile. When I think of how much I miss her, I cry."

Friday, July 10, 2009

I believe...summer is here. It's hot. I have enjoyed our rainy, cool beginning. Our gardens have really flourished. Trees are green. Native Grasses are tall...I love watching them sway with the wind. Lots of beautiful rainbows...with vivid colors. I was reading about rainbows. So many different ideas of why they show themselves to us. Of course there is the scientific reason: The light is first refracted as it enters the surface of the raindrop, reflected off the back of the drop, and again refracted as it leaves the drop. The overall effect is that the incoming light is reflected back over a wide range of angles, with the most intense light at an angle of 40°–42°. And then there is of course Religion and Mythology: In Greek mythology, the rainbow was considered to be a path made by a messenger (Iris) between Earth and Heaven. In Chinese mythology, the rainbow was a slit in the sky sealed by Goddess Nüwa using stones of five different colours. Another Indian mythology says rainbow is the bow of Kama, the God of love. In New Age and Hindu philosophy, the seven colours of the rainbow represent the seven chakras, from the first chakra (red) to the seventh chakra (violet). Whatever you choose to believe...the sky and earth sure have showed some changes, some color and maybe a little warmth can settle in?

I told Dan, summer will not come until that bench is up there...she doesn't want to miss a thing! Dan had been working on a bench honoring Emily. A place of peace...overlooking her "special place" where she would go with friends or alone to swim, tan, talk, cry, think...so overlooking the swimming hole is a bench for us now to sit, think, tan, read, talk, cry, and listen.... in the midst of winter I found within me an eternal summer...

Sunday morning....

What I wanted most for my daughter was that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.
- Helen Claes

It's a blue sunny morning...I'm sitting in my outdoor rocker (sounds old already) overlooking my part of the world...The depth in the mountains to the south...the bookcliffs to the west, Silt to the east and the hogback to my north...there is a cool chill in the air...but my coffee is hot.

As I reflect...

Hanna and my relationship has grown and connected in a new way that I can't even explain. We trust each other and find comfort in and with each other. We have moments of giggles, moments of memories, moments of silence...

The Emily Johnson 3v3 Tournament was a success! To me the absolute most important part is the togetherness...We united people and crossed lines of comfort and found the passion of soccer exciting and fun...(sounds so emily)...and together as a community...we paid it forward..we made money to fund two scholarships and to donate to charities globally...this year will be Darfur...Emily was passionate about the civil conflict in Sudan and was to make this her senior project. As I think about the very special group of people that worked on this project...I can't help but think again "how Emily" I feel like I strengthened bonds of friendship that were part of a bigger picture...I knew everyone, some on a personal level already, but some because of Emily...and over time, we worked together, talked with each other, made decisions together, begun the healing together. I learned about our strengths and connected with people at a whole new level...you guys helped me get through the last 6 moons and I am forever grateful for your presence in my life...xo I am graced with a wonderful, loving family. You guys just come and figure out what needs to be done and do it...and you played soccer...hehehe...I love you guys.

So here is some randomness in my thoughts...I can't help but think about how so many of our friends are going off to college soon...and how parents are reflective, scared, sad, happy too...we did our jobs well when our children leave and make a life for themselves...the circle continues...

So now, it's summer in the Rockies and I'm hoping for time to remember. I still feel like I'm in survival mode...and the sadness is so close...I miss Emily. I'm beginning to have some of "my own" memories, in bits and pieces...

I know that time is our greatest healer...but for me (as an old friend concurred) time doesn't make it better...it makes it different...

And I do know that Emily soared confidently in this world...

Time...

I wrote to a friend today and this is what I said...I find it hard to believe that it's been 6 months since I've had a hug or a smile...a night laying on her bed talking and laughing or crying or both...a moment of "my ears are bleeding"...a night of a house FULL of girls...a game of Apples to Apples played Emily style...someone in my face challenging what I say with a real need to know why....Life does move forward but it certainly doesn't feel near as nice or fun...

We made it thru soccer season...yes it was emotional... Every game I would prepare myself to go watch...because there was no way that I wasn't. Some days before the game, I would go and sit on the field and talk to Em...I was sure she was there preparing for the game. As I watched the game, I actually found happiness for moments and competition throughout my being. I enjoyed watching the girls pass the ball foot to foot. I enjoyed watching them trust each other forward and backwards on the field. I enjoyed listening to them communicate with each other. They played like a team and it was amazing. And at times I swear I could hear her voice. This team honored Emily in a way that I know she is so proud of. They gave everything they had. They played like she was there playing with them. From their hearts... I'm not sure I've ever seen a group of young people with so much character. And B, was a true guide...leading them in such a positive direction. I remember the day before the 1st playoff game against Bayfield...I had this vision of Emily (I know this sounds weird) gathering the angels...and insisting in an Emily way, that they needed to make t-shirts and posters for the game...and when I was there at the field...the vision continued of these angels amongst us with their posters and tshirts and happiness...it was fun!! Oh and we made it to Sweet 16...

As a family, I feel like the 3 of us are moving forward together in a healthy, strong way. We've got a garden started. We built a chicken coop and have some baby chicks out there. Hanna and DJ are playing nightly cribbage matches. Hanna and I are talking and connecting. We talk about Emily and share memories... We laugh and cry...

I find writing hard...will I say the right things...do I think the right things? ha...so anyways, I have a candle lit and I sit in the dark thinking about the last five months and this is what comes to my mind...

DJ said yesterday what I've been trying to figure out how to say. "It's been so long because I miss Emily so much and it's seems like yesterday that this terrible nightmare began."

About this time 5 months ago...Emily came out of surgery and the doctor said, she made it through the surgery...and I remember thinking well OK, this is good, right...and then I remember her saying something like...well no, a bunch of medical ya ya blah blah, we don't know if she got here soon enough...blah blah blah, it was all in slow motion...and today...I still feel lost in my thoughts...

Every day I wake up...the sun rises...I find time to honor Emily...and life kicks in...we survive...I put on my smile and face the day...the sun sets.

Working on the tournament and the scholarship give me reason...and the friends leading the way give me strength...thank you...

Hanna shares memories...and it brings smiles to our home...I refuse to not be present...

I read somewhere that when your child dies, you loose your future. But a sibling, looses there past, present and future...

I'm proud of myself for pushing forward...finding the light and the good. I've seen how much Emily meant to many and the impact and footprint she left. I've been humbled.

and I'm very tired...

Lady Titans 7 Cardinals 0

...in our hearts and our minds...#5 Emily Johnson... wrist bands...new NIKE uniforms...you looked sharp and played with heart and grace...Leaque...state...here we come...it's the year of the Lady Titans...

I know that Emily played right along side her team today....

I will get thru this season...with tears, excitement, screams, laughter, anger, pride, team, passion, love, band-aids, weather, more tears ... and whatever else comes along our way...

Birthday Emily! I love you to the moon and back...forever and ever! xo

Essence of Emily

The Essence of Emily
(Published in Nashoba Publications, Times free Press and Lowell Sun)
By: Kris Anderson

In a time of economic crisis, where loss is measured in dollars, stock options and investment portfolios, a 16 Year old inspires thousands to give.

Wise beyond her years, 16 year old Emily Howley - Johnson chose to become an organ donor, not long before her death on November 17, 2008 As a result, Emily saved 5 lives and improved countless others, even as she lost her own. Through Donor Alliance, Emily gave her heart to a 9 year old boy; a lung to a mother of 2; a kidney and pancreas to a 37 year old man with Type 1 Diabetes, a kidney to a 29 year old woman and her corneas to two others. In addition, bone and soft tissue donations saved many others across the Country. Her example inspired her local High School and families across the Country to begin a tradition of "Random Acts of Kindness" to help others; in Emily's name.

The Bible says that we may entertain angels, unawares, during our time on earth. It truly seems that such was the case, with Emily Johnson. Emily was the 16 year old daughter of Sheryl Howley Johnson, formerly of Groton, and her husband D.J. Tragically killed in an A.T.V. accident in Colorado this November, she leaves behind a legacy most would take a much longer lifetime to build. Friends and family of the Howley and Johnson families will be holding a benefit on March 7, at the Knights of Columbus Hall in Pepperell to help old friends through this time of unthinkable loss. Called "Celebrating the Essence of Emily: A benefit for the Howley-Johnson Family", friends and strangers alike are invited to celebrate the life of an amazing girl and support their family in the spirit of community for which Emily was so well known.

Emily was one of those kids everyone noticed. This special high school junior was loving to her family, friends, the environment, her school, her soccer team, kids nobody wanted to be friends with and even strangers. Though a fierce competitor on the soccer field, as her aunt, Kim Howley English of Groton put it, "the essence of Emily was love." She went on to describe the beauty of her niece-which transcended her obvious physical beauty. "If you put your hand on Emily's shoulder, she would put her hand on your hand. If you leaned your head on her, she would lean her whole self into you. She was love."

Born and raised in Colorado, along with her beloved sister, Hanna, 14, Emily knew how sweet her life was from a very young age. Emily loved acting, and when she was just 10, while attending some acting classes in Carbondale, CO, she was invited to Hollywood by the daughter of an Academy Award winning screen writer. Excited, she and her mother made the trip to California, where Emily landed a part in a Public Service commercial promoting fitness, called "Verb, Its What You Do!", with NFL star, Donovan McNabb. Though she sparked much interest and thoroughly enjoyed her adventure, Emily was not seduced by the lure of fortune and fame. She told her parents she just wanted to return to her life in Colorado. "I LOVE my life. I love my friends. I love my family.” she said. Echoes of these sentiments in her journals have provided endless comfort to those she left behind.

Emily was invited with her friend, Rachel and family to travel to El Salvador. Traveling to the village of Epilogos, San Jose Villanueva, Emily experienced poverty first hand. She had planned to return for her senior year service project. She wanted to continue the work of volunteers Mike and Susie Jenkins, who had helped the village gain a water pump, fish farm, community center and school. The fish farm was so successful that the villagers had been able to open a restaurant. Emily met families displaced by gang violence and women who had to do their laundry in creeks. It was her wish to help to improve the lives of her new friends.

Even before high school, Emily had been a very young activist. She boycotted Coca Cola when she read that the company was not environmentally sensitive to the rain forest and founded the Planet Protectors at age 10. This club would go around picking up trash and spreading environmentalism at the grassroots level. Emily inspired her friends to post "Save the Earth" signs at school and around town and she loved to march in the parade at "Silt Hey Day"- her hometown's annual celebration-carrying "Love Mother Earth" signs, wearing like minded T-shirts and giving out candy. In middle school, Emily organized a dance for charity, raising over $400.which she used to adopt an Indian child named Munmun, providing food, medical care and education for her. She protested her school's ban on PJ pants and hugging- and worked to promote Gay Rights, all before she was in high school.

She left behind books and books filled with pages of affirmation of how much she loved her life. She was against drug and alcohol abuse and meanness. She believed in the power of good. Known for speaking out against bullying, Emily was the first to welcome a new student and had the gift of making everyone feel like they counted with her. During the agonizing week when Emily hung in the balance between life and death, her school held a candle-light vigil. Hundreds of kids showed up on a frigid night to pray and tell stories of Emily, before releasing balloons. Her soccer coach called her the heart of the team. Emily's 5 best friends told of her relentless humor as part of their circle 'the Six Chix'. Another friend told the story of her disastrous experiment using caramel as shampoo! After Emily passed away, a Celebration of Life was held at her high school, with over 1300 people gathering to remember their soccer captain and homecoming queen.

Emily left her family a gift that can't help but make one wonder if she had some kind of knowledge that her time with them would be short. She left a series of quotes and pictures, which she recorded, leaving no doubt as to how Emily viewed life. One of her quotes seemed to tap into this wisdom. "We always thought we would look back on our tears and laugh; but never thought that we'd look back on our laughter and cry." Though heartbroken, Emily's parents are determined to carry on Emily's example of giving in a positive way. To this end, a 3v3 soccer tournament called "Play It Forward" will be held in Glennwood Springs, Colorado, on June 6th and 7th to raise money for two Scholarships in Emily's name. One scholarship will be given to a student who shares Emily's passion for soccer. The other will be given to someone sharing her passion for creativity.

Coal Ridge High School will be dedicating Emily's former soccer field in March, in her honor. Affectionately dubbed "The Pasture" by Emily and her teammates for the dubious practice of spreading manure on in the pre-season; the soccer field will soon host a plaque reading: "The Pasture: in honor of Emily Johnson, our friend, teammate and Captain." A bas relief of Emily's handprint will be set into the plaque as well, "for all to reflect and touch hands with Em", explained Emily's mother, Sheryl Howley-Johnson. She noted, "Her spirit guides us daily."

For more information about organ donation, please contact Donor Alliance at www.donoralliance.org. Anyone interested in attending the benefit can purchase tickets at Groton Market, Main Street, Groton, MA. The Knights of Columbus of Pepperell are donating their Event Hall and local talents Coretta Sellars and the Tastes Like Chicken Band will be donating their music as well. In addition Local businesses are donating raffle items. Celebrating the Essence of Emily will be held on Saturday, March 7, from 7:30-11:30. Admission is $10.oo for adults and $5.oo for students/seniors. Guests are encouraged to bring a non-perishable donation for the food pantry, in Emily's name. Anyone interested in making a donation directly can do so at: Emily Johnson Benefit fund, Alpine Bank; 709 Horizon Dr; Grand Junction, CO 81506. For more information please contact Teresa Coyle-Airey at 978-833-9240

Emily taught by example to love and to give with no expectation of receiving anything in return. This is a chance for the Groton-Dunstable community to give back to such an exceptional girl, by supporting her family through their darkest hours. Groton was home to the Howleys for years. Grotonians will remember "Veggie City", the Howley's family farmstand on the corner of Nod Rd. and Rt. 119, manned by Howley kids: Sheryl, Kim, Jim, Bryan, Jenn and T.J. And Jim Howley, Sr was a well known face for years, with his milk route. Dunstablites knew the Howleys best from Jim and Delores' founding of the Dunstable General Store. Please consider giving your support to this worthy benefit. This is our chance to help "make it OK again" for the family of this wonderful girl. To use one of Emily's favorite quotes, ”Everything is OK in the end. If its not OK; its not the end."

Monday February 9, 2009 10:17 am

Three months ago was Emily's accident...the sadness is still very real and strong...36 moons...to the other side of my grieving...And a life time of moving forward...

I spent some time in Sedona, AZ learning new tools to continue on my journey of grieving. I learned lots. I spent time with many people of different faiths and paths...we (my sisters and I) started our journey visiting Amitabha Stupa, www.amitabhastupa.org it is said, "by seeing a stupa or hearing about a stupa, remembering it, visualizing it - any kind of connection - will imbue you with a blessing, will connect you to enlightenment." And honestly, I feel a little lighter!

I learned that Emily is with me. There is an after life. I know that if Emily wasn't with me, I wouldn't be able to function. I envision her by my side, in a different dimension, cheering me onward...I feel her energy, intertwining and vibrating with mine.

I learned that Emily was a teacher, she taught me so much in her short life...I learned unconditional love...I personally don't believe until you're a parent you learn that love...and my Hanna is still here...

I was sitting on a rock, looking at Cathedral Rock and just thinking...I remembered all the pictures that Emily took and my mind started rushing with pictures and memories and at that moment I realized that Emily lived in the present, she CAPTURED every moment, every person, in her life...I learned I need to be present and capture the moments...there are many more to come...

I learned that greiving and sadness is all in honor of Emily and it's OK...

I'm going to continue to find what I learned from Emily and use it in my life.

Sedona is a place full of energy...I can't wait to go back...

Em(ily)brace Video

January 17, 2008 8:30 pm

2 months today...ugh

Seems like a life time...and yet just happened...

Today, Hanna had a volleyball tournament in Grand Junction...has kept us busy...DJ and I took some time today to go for a walk around the soccer field at Central High School. Just happens this field was the field Emily blew her knee on...felt sort of theraputic...felt right to be on a soccer field today...

For me, I've learned to move through each day, talk with people, joke, and listen...but in my quiet time, the pain in my heart, the loneliness in my being is deep and cutting...I miss my daughter, I miss her laughter, I miss her hugs, I miss our late night talks, I miss her being, her spirit, her love, I miss her silly ness, I miss her telling me she doesn't need a job, I'm just a kid and then a chuckle, I miss her rambling, I miss the preparation for some soccer "something". I miss giving her back rubs and arm tickles, I miss the blow dryer. I miss her, Hanna and DJ picking on me. I miss telling her how much I love her and I miss her telling me how much she loves me. I miss everything about her...and I wish so much she was here.

I've started back to work part time...it gives me something to focus on. I'm thankful for my job. (But hoping to win the lotto! haha)

Hanna is going to start part time school and part time homeschooling...I'm not sure Hanna knows what she is feeling...she just needs more time...

DJ is sad...his heart is heavy...time...

Time...according to Albert Einstein..."The only reason for time is so that everyting doesn't happen at once"